According to the Bureau of National Statistics, more than 6.5 million children live in Kazakhstan. And in order for them to grow emotionally healthy personalities, according to the expert, fathers must not just be present in their lives, but directly participate in upbringing.
Polymodal psychologist-therapist Lyubov Kozaeva told how exactly the father affects the formation of the child's personality.
- Lyubov Leonidovna, do some fathers still believe that in our time, when there is so much information available, including in the field of parenting and in psychology, still believe that they should perform exclusively the role of breadwinner?
- At the consultations, I see that mothers are mainly interested in upbringing, namely in the accompaniment and social adaptation of the child. Dad, as a rule, is a guarantor of security, an indicator of strength in the family, gets the funds on which the family lives, provides security and this is where his role ends. Many fathers say, "Well, why do I need a wife then? What will she do? And who will work if I am engaged in the upbringing of children?" I answer that it is not necessary to constantly participate in the upbringing of the child, but the participation of the father is very important at certain stages of the child's growing up.
The first stage is when the child goes to school, at 6 – 7 years old. It is important for a child that parents take him to school together, so that he feels reliable from both sides, entering a new stage of his life, where he will become more responsible and adult.
You can even observe such a picture as some children are led by the hand to school by the mother, and they snuggle up to them, as if trying to hide. A child who is led by the hands of both parents feels much more confident, he feels protected from both sides and his adaptation to school is easier. At this stage, the father's words, his support are important.
When a child has only one parent, his level of security is violated, he sees the world through the prism of only one parent. It's always a one-sided vision. This does not mean that the child will grow up defective, but the emotional component will definitely suffer.
The second stage is when there is a sexual identification of the child, at about 11 - 12 years. It's early adolescence. He begins to think about how he should be realized in this life, moral and ethical values, attitude to the opposite sex are formed. For a child at this stage, communication with a parent of the same sex is very important - it is important for a boy to communicate with his father, for a girl - with his mother.
Parents in our time are not particularly literate in this regard and often do not know how to behave towards the child, what their role is. They complain that their parents didn't know all this either, but they somehow grew up to be normal people. But then there was a different time, we had communications, they were open, free, we could always say it.
Now children have an information vacuum, a lack of communication. And when a child starts looking for answers to their questions online, usually the first word they start looking for is not "sex education", but "sex". Try typing this word in a search engine and the first links that will appear are links to pornographic sites. And the impact of sites on the psyche of the child is very serious. Children are shifting their orientations, gender roles, and therefore our children are now forming such a tolerant attitude towards LGBT people.
In my opinion, this is due to the fact that we missed the moment of proper introduction into adulthood. At this stage, it is very important to include fathers, because dads can correctly explain how to behave towards the opposite sex. It's dads, not moms. This is a kind of guarantee that pedophilia does not spread in our country, that there is a correct distribution of sexual roles in society. To do this, parents themselves need to improve their sexual literacy.
The third stage is the senior adolescence period, which usually occurs at the age of 15-16. At this stage, the child begins a real relationship with the opposite sex. At this stage, communication between father and children is especially important. If it's a boy - it's fishing, joint repairs, cars, trips to the garage, baths, sports, men's get-togethers and so on.
Girls at this age should definitely see how dad treats mom. There is already an indicator of the family scenario of the relationship.
The task of the father is to give the child confidence that he will always find support in the face of the father, and can always count on his strength and protection. This will help the child build a healthy relationship with himself and with society.
- If one father is engaged in the upbringing of children, but the mother is not?
- That doesn't negate anything. Dad should do all the same things as in a full family. If the family is incomplete, the role of the missing parent should be compensated by relatives of the same sex. If there is no mother, grandmothers and aunts should help, and if there is no father, grandfathers and uncles can join instead.
But in the three stages that we talked about, the child definitely needs either a father or a close male person who will help the correct formation of the child.
- What if the parents are divorced?
- The task of a woman in this case is to ensure the possibility of communication between the father and the child and not to interfere with this, of course, provided that this does not threaten the health and life of the child.
The father should be available at any time of the day or night for the child, to talk, to be nearby. Especially in the stages that were discussed.
Fortunately, there are enough good examples of fathers in our society. Kaken Baltabayev alone brings up two children - a 10-year-old son and a 9-year-old daughter.
How do you participate in the upbringing of your children?
- I have to fulfill both the role of a mother and my own. Therefore, I try to pay more attention to them, if time allows. I think it's very important for kids.
- How does this manifest itself?
- We solve school affairs together, do homework, go for walks, go to the store, talk heart-to-heart, share our experiences. I try not to restrict children in anything. When they are going to go outside, I always remind them that I can't keep an eye on them all the time, but they have to remember that I'm always there and they can always count on my help and support.
My son can make his own preparations for cooking – peel onions, potatoes. I explain to him that he is a protector for his sister.
The daughter receives a woman's upbringing from her grandmother. The grandmother herself takes the initiative to communicate, and I do not prevent this, as it is important for the daughter. She does not go to the section yet, but she has her own hobbies - a phone, a kitten.
I often call the children and ask what they are doing, they tell them what is happening to them, about their friends, about school affairs.
Alexander Ermakov is a father with 12 years of experience. During this time, he and his wife had 3 daughters and one son.
How should a dad be involved in the child's upbringing?
- I believe that the father should both support at the right time with a word, and show an example by deed. It is not enough just to earn money, you need to serve as a role model for your son and be a worthy man in the eyes of your daughter in relation to your wife, so that in the future daughters form the right ideas about relationships in the family, so that they see how a man should treat a woman. Dad has a great responsibility in this regard.
When the wife gave birth to a son, she thought that she gave birth for herself, since many say that boys are more attracted to their mothers. But our son is everywhere behind me like a ponytail.
- What's the secret?
- Many men believe that when a child is very small, he needs only a mother. But it's not. At any age, the attention of the father is important for the child. Our son is only 2 years old. But even at this age, you can not dismiss the child. When the father is engaged in men's affairs around the house, and the son next to him spins something with a screwdriver, you need to welcome it in every possible way and support this male principle in him. He absorbs all this, despite his very young age, tries to repeat after his father, copies behavior.
- And for daughters, what role does the father play in upbringing? How can he influence their fate, the choice of a life partner?
- Firstly, it is the way of life of the father - the absence of bad habits, attitude to health, social responsibility. Secondly, the father should behave well towards their mother, so that this is the norm for them and in the future they will choose worthy life partners.
There are cases when one of the parents is tired, for example, something did not work out at work, it turned out to be a difficult day, mom or dad comes home, as they say now, not in the resource. Then the second parent should insure, give a rest, support, temporarily take over the affairs related to the children.
At the same time, mom and dad should always support each other in terms of upbringing. If dad said something couldn't be done, mom should support that decision, and so should dad support mom's decision. And if one parent forbids something, and the other allows, the child has dissonance. At the same time, the father should be a little tough.
- You're educated about this topic. Have you read about this somewhere or consulted with specialists?
- My wife is interested in these things, looks for information, and then shares it with me in the evenings.
- Thanks for the conversation!